A BIG CHUNK OF FUDGE! In a situation that can only be described as UTTERLY FUCKING RIDICULOUS, Amsterdam's famous "coffee shops" - where the menus feature "blends" of a decidedly more psychedelic variety than Columbian Roast - might be forced out of business by a newly minted ban on smoking in public places. Apparently, because of the way the law was worded, purveyors of smoke-worthy comestibles would be allowed to go on selling the stuff, but customers would have to "take it outside" to smoke it. The whole to-do has caused such a kafuffle in the land of dykes and wooden shoes that the government agreed to give the nation's 800-plus soft-drug emporiums a one-year extension. So that means you've got until January 2005 to go sit on a couch and suck on a five-dollar can of Red Bull in a skunk-tinged burning vegetable haze while listening to bad electronica and trying to figure out where you might have accidentally left your return flight tickets. Most of you have probably heard by now that perpetually-pissed auteur Spike Lee is suing Viacom for deciding to re-brand TNN (formerly The Nashville Network, currently The National Network) as Spike TV, a kind of Maxim magazine for tube-addicted illiterates. Apparently, Spike (Lee) thinks Spike (TV) hits just a little bit close to home, because first of all, it's his name, and second of all, they seem to be pushing the "new" channel's "irreverent personality." Let's listen to Spike (Lee) explain his lawsuit - which is being spearheaded by none other than OJ-lawyer Johnny Cockroach, and which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that none of Spike's latest movies have turned a profit, we're sure - in his own inimitable style: "I was extremely upset to see my name connected with a network when I had never given any consent to use my name. To make matters worse, Albie Hecht, TNN's president, told the media that the name referred to a guy's name with specific personality traits that the public through media publications had come to associate with me - irreverent, aggressive, unapologetically male, smart and contemporary." Sorry to burst your bubble, Spike (Lee) but if Spike (TV) had meant to appropriate the personality traits that "the public through media publications had come to associate with" you, they would have geared Spike (TV) to whiny, self-obsessed, bug-eyed little angry-not-so-young-black-men with massive chips on their shoulders and a tendency to launch frivolous lawsuits. And furthermore, Spike (Lee), if you're reading this: May Spike Milligan rises up from the dead and slap your skull like a bongo drum while forcing you to watch the Spike and Mike Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation! According to an Australian "academic" who is obviously cruising for a very serious bruising, failed messiah Jesus H. Christ was a gay homosexual, and so were at least three of his 12 disciples. Dr. Rollan McCleary, who earned his PhD in "gay spirituality" from the University of Queensland ('natch!) bases his conclusions on certain particularities he's noted in Jesus's astrological chart. as well as other clues he claims to have spotted in scripture. Apparently, the planet Uranus plays a large role in Jesus's zodiac makeup, which is also true of many other famous gay homosexuals. Folks, with rock-solid evidence and reasoning like this on his side, yer old pal Jerky figures trying to refute McCleary's claims is pretty much a sucker's deal. I'm afraid we're just going to have to live with the fact that our Lord and Savior has been definitively shoved out of the closet by this Ozzie nutter-poof. Congratulations, Doc!

ON THESE DAYS! June 5 On this day in 1956, new-fangled rock-and-roller Elvis Presley creates a nationwide panic when he goes on The Milton Berle Show and performs a swivel-hipped rendition of his covertune classic, Houndog. Later that night, pretty much anywhere within a five mile radius of a television set, if you went outside and breathed in deep, you could smell the faint aroma of sopping wet panties hanging in the air. On this day in 8239 BC, the Universe was imagined into existance by two void-dwelling Gods, according to the Mayan "long-count" callendar. FYI, this same calledar lists December 21st, 2012 AD as the day that the Universe will come to an end... So smoke'em if ya got'em! On this day in 1968, at 12:16 am Pacific Standard Time, Sirhan Sirhan shoots Bobby Kennedy (maybe), who dies the next day. JFK, RFK, MLK, John Lennon... Hey! How come these whack-job lone gunmen only succeed when they go after liberals? Guess it must be true... Better aim, I guess. On this day in 1783, the Montgolfier brothers, Joseph and Jacques, make the first ever public flight in a hot air balloon. It is only by the grace of Godzilla that the French didn't take advantage of this awesome tactical advantage to take over the entire civilized world.

THEY SAID IT! "Like the science-fiction world of the Matrix, a false reality is being pulled daily over people's eyes, often through what they see and hear on their TV screens. Facts have lost value. Logic rarely applies. Some living in this American Matrix are like the everyday people in the movies, simply oblivious to what's going on beneath the surface, either too busy or too bored to find out. Others appear to know better but behave like Cipher, the character in the original movie who chooses the fake pleasures of the Matrix over what Morpheus calls the desert of the real." - Iran-Contra expert Robert Parry of Consortium News just keeps knocking them out of the park. He's the Mark Frickin' McGwire of anti-right-wing exposés. READ THIS PIECE! *** *** *** "Now that the imminent threat posed by Iraqi chemical or biological weapons has turned out not to be so imminent, the question is: Did our gazillion-dollar spy operations blow the call, or was the dope they developed distorted or exaggerated by our political leaders? Either way, heads should roll. ... Bush and his band of hawks seem to believe the ends justify the means. Thus, the terror of 9/11 and the boogeyman of Iraq's supposed WMD stash became the key to pushing an ambitious plan to redraw the map of the Middle East. That was the pet project of a band of neocon missionaries who had failed to convince either the first Bush administration or the Clinton administration that such a campaign was plausible or desirable. For Wolfowitz and friends, the 9/11 attacks were almost a gift, an opportunity to play God." - Click here for another must-read op/ed piece: How Their Big Lie Came To Be. For the LA Times, login: yeroldpaljerky, and password: yeroldpaljerky.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Pete Amsterdam... Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer, when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man," and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (It's a beauty) (wait for it) (Get your best Chinese accent ready) "You not Nissan Main Dealer?!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Jim Eby for sending in today's second joke. There were two old-maid sisters... both virgins. One Friday night Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin. I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 12:45, the front door flies open and in runs Gladys... heading straight for the bathroom. Betty growing concerned, knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Scarecrow sent in today's vaguely disturbing worst joke. Bob is taking a shower in the locker room when Jim walks in and notices that Bob has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always like this, everyday for two months I rubbed Lard on it. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Three months later they run into each other again in the same locker room. Jim said man I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! "Did you do exactly what I said?" Of course, every night I rubbed Crisco on it." "Crisco?" Thats your problem man, Crisco's a shortening!"

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey, Jerky! Three questions... 1) Preznit Dubya has revoked some people's U. S. citizenships. Could you please direct me to available information concerning this? 2) Although we Canadians are not perfect, I'm glad that the "Black Wall Street Riots" was not a Canadian pastime; we hear more about the "underground railroad" up here. However, who knows the history (apart from the written word) for sure regarding that time? 3) You had Kent State on again today but it was "On May 4th, 1970, when rally turned to riot up at Kent State University..." and I remember that you mentioned it last month with the appropriate web-links. Yours truly, Joseph R. Dear Joseph; Three answers... 1) Here are a few pages for you to peruse. 2) Don't kid yourself, man. When you were taking over that vast northern wilderness all those years ago, you were just as white and uninvited as we were. 3) Technically, that's not really a question, per se. But thanks to you and the dozen other sticklers for pointing out my mistake. *** **** *** DOPJ... Wot beets me, old fruit, is how the hell ya get away with putting it to the hob nobs (Bush etc) in your country (Usless State of Affairs) without these horror heads putting you to the torch. 'ow d'ya do it? Signed: Busker Tom from Ausralia Dear Tom; Okay... is it Jolly Ranchers? No? Okay... Led Zeppelin? Shit! Um... is it The Exorcist? The Wicker Man?! No, I'm not getting it. Next question, please. Pass, please... PASS!!! *** **** *** Hey jerky; What the fuck is up with this? Firewall alerts 060403 source:www.dailydirt.com: (CENSORED FOR SECURITY REASONS) Scanning by your outfit of several of my ports with the origin IP address (CENSORED FOR SECURITY REASONS)??? I don't think this is malicious or intentional on your part as MOPJ being a crusader for free speech would never try to hack into one of his beloved fan's machines. Packet spoofing perhaps??? You tell me. Just FYI. Signed: Orbit Dear Orbit; Your e-mail caused me some concern, so I decided to forward it to my tech guru. Here, in sum toto, is his reply: "He's on crack! Those are the result of his own accesses to the dailydirt webpage!" Hope this clears things up for you! Cheers, YOPJ

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: UNBELIEVABLE Care of: Chad Do I ever have a story for you, my friend. I recently had cause to be in Miami International Airport on a layover, waiting for a flight to Chicago. I had a couple hours to kill, so decided to hit up one of the bars in the Airport. I'm sitting there nursing my drink, sitting next to this guy who's crack-addict thin, bald and sporting a large-ish pair of aviator sunglasses. I'm a sports fan, so I had picked up a copy of USA Today, so I could peruse the box scores. The guy in the avaitors looks over at me at one point and says "What's new in the bright and happy land of Gannet Propaganda?" I laughed at him and said that I never read the "McNews" in the thing, and just liked it for the sports reporting. Then the guy said something that piqued my interest. He said "I'd die before they got the rights to anything of mine." I give the guy a good, long look over, and it finally occurs to me: I'm sitting at a bar in Miami with Hunter S. Thompson. The. I pretend like I knew that all along, and shoot the shit with him for a while. Finally, I ask him, again refrencing the USA Today, "So, where does America's foremost Gonzo Journalist go for HIS news?" He started listing off a litany of forigen papers. The Toronto Star, the London Observer, and a number of papers I'd never heard of. Then I asked "any domestic sources?" He considered it for a moment, and finally said "Well, there are two. Maxim Magazine just has a way of cutting through the bullshit and finding excellent stories in unlikely places. But they are a monthly, so it's hard to be timely. But if you want day to day reporting in this country, and don't have time to go looking at all the available sources for yourself, then You need look no further then my old pal Jerky, and the Daily Dirt." I don't know what struck me as the cooler idea: The fact that I was a regular reader of the same information as Hunter S. Thompson, or the fact that when he said it, he just said "...and the Daily Dirt." He offered no explination as to what the Dirt was; it was as if he just naturally assumed that EVERYONE had heard of it, or that if you didn't know, you didn't deserve to. So there is my little story that I figured you HAD to know about. So on behalf of Gonzos everywhere, keep up the good fucking work, man. - Chad [Chad, buddy, I'm sure you'll understand why I can't allow myself to believe your story. Still, thanks for carrying HST and the Daily Dirt in the same thought bubble. I appreciate it! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com